as long as we both shall live

october was a busy month... two good friends of mine got married, just a few weeks apart.

the first wedding was at a country club in las vegas, so we had both the fun of a wedding, and the fun of a trip to viva las vegas! the boyfriend and i flew in to vegas saturday morning, had lunch with a dear friend, had a little time to get ready, and headed out to the wedding. the ceremony was next to a gorgeous pond, and near a few palm trees... it was an incredibly beautiful site. and the bride was equally beautiful! you could see the joy on her face - and on the face of her husband-to-be. the ceremony was short and sweet, and the party afterwards was fantastic. cocktail hour, dinner, dancing, all the great wedding traditions! the dj was fantastic and everyone enjoyed themselves. finally the evening was drawing to an end, and the newlyweds walked out under the cover of sparklers held by their friends and family. it was a gorgeous end to a gorgeous wedding! BUT that wasn't quite the end... the bride's brother hosted an after-party at his suite at NYNY. we had a great time, and finally called it a night at a respectable time (by las vegas standards, anyways!). we grabbed a bite to eat from a NY pizza place and headed back to our hotel to crash.

the second wedding was equally beautiful, although in a very different location. my closest friend in tucson was marrying her love, and i was delighted to celebrate with them! the celebration started with the rehearsal dinner - where i was able to meet my friend's family and dearest friends. the next night the bride and groom hosted a "meet and greet" happy hour so that their guests (many of whom were from out of town) could all get to know each other. it was great to meet people that love my friend and that i was going to celebrate with the next night. the wedding ceremony (the next day) was at a church near my house - actually the church i've been attending the past few months. the chapel was simply and beautifully decorated, as was the blushing bride. her groom was dashing, and they were both glowing as her father walked her down the aisle. the ceremony was romantic, heartfelt, and funny. perfect for them! the reception was at a golf course in the foothills north of tucson, and it was one of the most beautiful locations i have ever seen. and the setting sun made for an incredible view during the cocktail hour. the reception was perfectly themed around the happy couple: from the photos to the favors, it was all uniquely them. we danced and laughed and enjoyed a night celebrating the newlyweds.

two weddings so close together have put weddings on the brain. well, that, two recent friend engagements (and one i'm expecting any day now!), and celebrating nine years with my boyfriend... there has been a lot of talk about weddings between me and my boyfriend over the years. but really, i have mixed feelings about getting married.

part of me honestly believes that no one should get married. ever. what sense does it make to commit yourself to one person for the rest of your life? people change! people grow! there is no other relationship, no person, no thing, no responsibility to which you promise you will stick to for the rest of your life! (even children get taken away if you do not treat them properly!)  but there is another part of me that loves my boyfriend and wants to spend my life with him. and for us, spending our lives together means getting married. and i want to marry him. i want to come home to him each day. but how do i reconcile that desire with the cynical reality that "for better or worse" can become worse than you ever imagined?

and - because i always overthink everying - i have to wonder: do i really NOT want to get married? or am i just clinging to that "cynical reality" because year after year goes by and my boyfriend has made no move towards bended knee? sure, he says (often!) that he wants to marry me. but he's had plenty of time to make it a priority and make it happen. and yet, nothing. even when i've asked him to fast-forward the process, still nothing. and even though i have doubts about marriage, watching my boyfriend sit in a holding pattern sends my brain down the path of self- (and relationship) doubt.

so am i just bitter and sad, or do i genuinely have doubts about marriage? maybe it doesn't matter. in the mean time, i am just trying to be content with my relationship where it's at, and happy for my friends celebrating their new lives. which is great until the tenth person asks, so when is it going to be your turn?